Bathroom Ethics

So as some of you may know I currently am attending the University of Washington, which is to put it lightly... freaking huge! Not only is it freaking huge, or as some social scientists are now saying, Hugeomous Freakcanious, but in total the number of people who come to campus each day, is somewhere in the vicinity of maybe 45,000 people. 45,000 people! Maybe its easier if I spell it out. That's 1 plus 1 plus 44,998 people to equal a grand total of forty five thousand people who come and go from campus each day. That, for those of you that wish to compare, is the size of my home town of Ferndale. Roughly.

I don't think I need to say that it takes a little getting used too.

Anyways, on campus there are like fifty billion bathrooms. I mean there are bathrooms in every building on every floor except for Gowen hall where apparently men don't pee because there isn't a bathroom to be found in that confounded heap of brick, sweat, and tears of small children. However, except aside their are a lot of bathrooms. Sometimes when you come out of one bathroom in the library you can see another bathroom, like ten feet away.

Why, you might ask, would we need so many bathrooms? Well its simple really.... BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE IN ANY PARTICULAR BATHROOM THAT YOU MIGHT HAPPEN TO WANT TO USE AT EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY UNTIL THE BUILDING CLOSES OR IF YOU'RE A SLACKER LIKE ME AT 3 IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY PEEING BLOOD AT THE LIBRARY! I'll go into bathrooms so far in basements that I swear I saw Gandalf the Grey fighting a fire beast one hall over and still there will be someone in there. I'm serious, we'll be so far down that people don't even come there anymore and the ones that do have long since lost the ability to see and just kind of fluorescently glow like some type of retarded deep sea fish. I'll be so far down that I'm actually worried my torch might burn out before I see the sun again and low and behold there's someone in the bathroom. No, not just in it. At this point the poor guy might actually be living in it. Endlessly scribing hateful things about the Jews and homosexuals like Pytheous chained to the boulder for all eternity.

Sometimes, you'll go into bathrooms, and there will be guys just chatting in there. Just chatting. Just hanging Not doing anything secret mind you, but just you know kicking it. I mean it's not like there are benches, and couches and even food courtts outside of some of these bathrooms. It's not like you know they have like thirty square miles of city to kick it in. Nope, these guys are just inside the bathroom like a bunch of ten year old girls chatting to each or even worse, on their cell phones! I certainly hope nobody is calling me from the john, I seriously don't need to listen to them or worse the guy next door that must just live off dairy and nuts shitting out what I can only assume must be a substance so nutty and hard that it will in fact be confused for a meteorite at some point by NASA and studied indefinitely before I'll get to learn about in Biology.

Finally, there are those who break the one and only holy code of bathrooms. Which is, that unless you're blood buddies forged in the trenches of WWI by the overwhelming bombardment of German Artillery, molesting each other in the ass, an alter boy and his priest, or in the rare case unable to stand on your own, if there is an open urinal that is not next to someone else... YOU TAKE IT. You do not stand directly next to someone and admire their penis. Not only is that bad taste, but it might make your eyes bleed.

Salty Peter